


The Great Milk Thief of the Hummel-Hudson and Evans Home

by kurthummeldeservesbetter



Series: Everyone is a Senior Verse [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Milk, Sleep Walking, Social Media Fic, chat fic, glee chat fic, maybe humor, milk crimes, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28969833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurthummeldeservesbetter/pseuds/kurthummeldeservesbetter
Summary: Sam, Kurt and Finn all disagree on who keeps using up all the milk.These are their stories.A Chat Fic
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Rachel Berry/Finn Hudson, Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Series: Everyone is a Senior Verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2057049
Comments: 8
Kudos: 40





	The Great Milk Thief of the Hummel-Hudson and Evans Home

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [drought!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28421910) by [snakebitewrites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/snakebitewrites/pseuds/snakebitewrites). 



Saturday, 10am

**Twitter**

**Sam “Samuel” Evans @samiamiam** January18th, 2012

@footballhudson and @khummel12 are stealing all the milk in the house and this is me calling them out

**Kurt E Hummel @khummel12**

_Replying to @samiamiam_

Seriously! Where’s your proof?

**Sam “Samuel” Evans @samiamiam**

Oh you’ll get your proof!

**Kurt E Hummel @khummel12**

It’s literally what I’m asking for

** ******New Directions GC****** **

**K.Hummel:** I live with thieves and liars

 **Q.Fabray:** That’s a little bold

 **S.Lopez** : Hudson and Evans have been called worse.

 **Q.Fabray** : By you.

 **S.Lopez:** Touché’

 **S.Evans:** There’s only two thieves and liars in this house and I’m not one of them.

 **S.Evans:** And neither are Mr. and Mrs. double H. I have evidence!

 **K.Hummel:** Says one of the liars.

 **M.Jones:** Evidence of what? Explain. With names, please.

 **S.Evans:** Don’t listen to anything Kurt says. He and **@F.Hudson** are conspiring against me.

 **K.Hummel:** Sam and Finn are conspiring against me! I have an alibi.

 **S.Evans** : You have nothing!

 **Q.Fabray** : Sam must be serious if he’s typing normally.

 **M.Jones: @S.Evans** and **@K.Hummel** explain. For all we know you two and **@F.Hudson** committed murder

 **B.Pierce** : oh no! krt wld nvr kill ny1

 **S.Lopez:** She’s joking, Britt.

 **A.Abrams** : i like the implication sam and finn would

 **Q.Fabray:** Go on, **@S.Evans**

 **S.Evans:** So someone keeps using all the milk and not replacing it

 **S.Lopez:** Oh shut up

 **A.Abrams** : didn’t we solve this already? damn.

 **M.Jones:** STOPPPPP

 **Q.Fabray:** Boys please not this again.

 **K.Hummel** : It keeps happening! Sam is the one that is up the earliest and also eats cereal almost every morning!

 **S.Evans:** You and Finn drink warm milk almost every night! I use enough milk for one bowl every morning.

 **S.Lopez** : Every night?

 **Q.Fabray** : You’re lucky you aren’t lactose intolerant

 **B.Pierce** : Kurt wld nvr h8 ny1. he <3s evry1

 **S.Lopez** : Lactose intolerant means he can’t drink milk or have cheese, Britt

 **B.Pierce** : : ( then why does he

 **K.Hummel** : It helps me sleep better : ( Also not every night!

 **K.Hummel:** I’m not lactose intolerant britt britt. Quinn was just saying it would be bad if I was.

 **B.Pierce** : yeah bc u shld <3 evry1!

 **M.Chang** : No one’s going to talk about how **@S.Evans** eats cereal every morning?

 **A.Abrams** : yeah man switch it up eat a egg or something

 **S.Evans** : Anyways, when I wake up in the morning and finish running, I get cereal

 **S.Evans** : And by Wednesday, there’s almost NO milk left

 **S.Evans** : And we get groceries every Sunday. We’ve been getting 2 gallons a week because we use it so much!

 **A.Abrams** : damn yall got strong bones

 **B.SPierce** : myb u hv gnomes! thy <3 milk!

 **S.Evans** : it’s not gnomes, Brittney. Its Finn and Kurt.

 **S.Evans** : And since everyone knows that the best milk and cereal combination is just enough milk that the cereal isn’t dry and just damp enough, but not soggy, I don’t use a lot of milk at all.

 **M.Jones** : Please never describe cereal as damp ever again.

 **M.Chang** : It’s somehow worse than moist

 **R.Berry** : Before anyone says anything, we are not having the moist debate again. I will use my moderator powers and kick you off.

 **S.Lopez** : If there’s a time I’m glad **@R.Berry** is moderator, it’s now.

 **R.Berry** : Thank you Santana!

 **R.Berry** : **@S.Evans** continue?

 **K.Hummel:** He’s going to say Finn and I use all the milk but it isn’t true! The only time I use it is for one glass, maybe 4 times out of the week!

 **S.Evans:** That’s still a lot! And if you and **@F.Hudson** both drink it, that’s 8 cups!

 **S.Evans:** I use only like ½ a cup every morning!

 **T.CohenC** : So if you do the math, Sam uses 3 ½ cups to Kurt and Finn’s total of 8.

 **M.Chang** : and there’s 16 cups in a gallon

 **A.Abrams** : which means they should have at least a quarter left in just one gallon

 **T.CohenC** : which leaves a whole other gallon.

 **A.Abrams** : and even if we take in the fact that a glass isn’t exactly a cup, they still wouldn’t have drunk enough to use up two whole gallons before the week ends

 **M.Jones:** Please stop doing math.

 **S.Lopez** : It’s scaring the gays in the chat

 **K.Hummel** : ^

**B.Anderson:^^**

**S.Evans:** I have evidence! This was yesterday:

 **S.Evans:** *sent a picture*

_Image of two gallons of milk, one full and one half full, with the previous day’s newspaper beside them with the date._

 **S.Evans** : *sent a picture*

_Image of the same two gallons of milk, but they are now both empty._

**S.Evans** : See! I’m not crazy!

 **S.Lopez** : Says the guy taking photos of milk

 **S.Evans:** But do yall see? Someone drank all the milk last night!

 **K.Hummel** : it wasn’t me!

 **K.Hummel** : I’m innocent

 **S.Evans** : a likely story!

 **B.Anderson** : Before we say anything else, I can back Kurt’s alibi right now.

 **S.Evans:** how?

 **B.Anderson:** I’m here right now.

 **K.Hummel** : Blaine’s been here all night

 **S.Evans** : what? Proof?

 **R.Berry:** _*sent a photo*_

_Screenshot of a friend tracker on snapchat. Blaine’s bitmoji is with Kurt’s, Sam’s and Finn’s._

**R.Berry:** When I checked snapchat this morning, Blaine was at Kurt’s!

 **B.Anderson** : *sent a photo*

_Picture of Blaine sitting in Kurt’s armchair, in a hoodie and with a finger pointing to Kurt, who is laying in his made bed, glaring angrily at his phone_

 **B.Anderson:** Boy I wish I saw what Rachel sent before I sent my own proof

 **A.Abrams** : nice

 **N.Puckerman** : get it boys!

 **K.Hummel:** I wish you did too, Blaine.

 **S.Lopez** : Okay, a few things, 1, **@R.Berry** , stop stalking people. 2, **@N.Puckerman** I’m surprised you’re awake. And 3, **@K.Hummel** and **@B.Anderson** , wanky.

 **N.Puckerman** : I was going to join earlier but the brainiacs started doing math and I was grossed out

 **M.Chang** : understandable.

 **R.Berry** : If you don’t want me to know where you are, turn off tracking!

 **Q.Fabray** : That’s not concerning at all…..

 **S.Evans** : that alibi means nothing! **@B.Anderson** would back you up no matter what

 **A.Abrams** : that is also true

 **R.Berry** : we should wait for Finn to join to defend himself.

 **Q.Fabray:** I say it’s Finn, anyways. Kurt doesn’t seem like the type to waste anything.

 **M.Jones** : ^ Yep. Kurt also wouldn’t drink a gallon of milk by himself.

 **F.Hudson:** what the hell no one gave me a chance to defend myself this is the worst

 **F.Hudson** : why would I drink two gallons of milk anyways? Im innocent : (

 **K.Hummel** : You aren’t but okay

 **K.Hummel** : I’m the only one with an alibi so it’s between Sam and Finn

 **S.Evans:** your alibi is questionable and you have the most priors!

 **F.Hudson** : yeah kurt you’ve committed more crime than sam and I

 **T.CohenC** : What?

 **Q.Fabray** : ^ Seconding that. What? Kurt is probably the biggest rule follower of you three.

 **K.Hummel** : What crimes?

 **F.Hudson** : you have literary broken and entered to multiple places

 **A.Abrams** : wait hold up

 **N.Puckerman** : nice little dude!

 **R.Berry** : Oh Yeah! And **@F.Hudson** , it’s literally. Literary is about writing and literature.

 **F.Hudson** : yeah, that’s what I mean. Thanks babe.

 **M.Jones:** Gross. Get a room.

 **M.Jones** : **@R.Berry** what do you mean “oh yeah”?

 **R.Berry** : Kurt and I snuck into the Wicked theatre while in NY and we sung on the stage. But that was the end of my criminal phase. I don’t know about Kurt’s, but he seemed to know a lot about sneaking into places…

 **S.Lopez:** First, that is both impressive and also typical **@R.Berry** and **@K.Hummel**. Second, spill the details of your supposed crimes, Kurt.

 **K.Hummel** : Is it really breaking and entering if you don’t break anything to enter?

 **N.Puckerman** : hell yeah! that’s what im saying! finally someone agrees.

 **B.Anderson** : I mean you did trespass on Dalton that day…

 **K.Hummel** : I can’t believe my own boyfriend is turning on me.

 **A.Abrams** : lol and hes with u rn

 **K.Hummel** : Tell me about it. Anyways, my alleged crimes don’t even relate to anything involving milk or drinks.

 **M.Chang** : fair point. His prior history doesn’t suggest these kinds of crimes.

 **M.Chang** : though I do seem to recall that science project **@F.Hudson** and I did about the benefits of different types of milk…..

 **Q.Fabray** : That does not seem like a high school science project.

 **M.Chang** : It was freshman year

 **Q.Fabray** : Acceptable.

 **F.Hudson** : i dont remember that project but i didnt waist the milk

 **S.Evans** : I didn’t either!

 **K.Hummel** : Nor did I

 **R.Berry** : Well all of Kurt’s crimes are victimless and wasting milk seems to be leaving victims, and since Finn is the love of my life, I think it’s Sam

 **F.Hudson** : thanks rach

 **S.Lopez** : ew

 **S.Evans** : what? I didn’t do it!

 **M.Jones** : I don’t think Kurt would purposefully waste something and not replace it, so I don’t think it’s him.

 **M.Jones** : I do think Finn would do that though, so I’m saying it’s not Sam. It’s Finn.

 **F.Hudson** : mercedes weve known eachother 4 so lng wth

 **Q.Fabray** : Please use some form of grammar or even just a capital letter. My eyes hurt.

 **R.Berry** : Why don’t we settle this by poll?

 **R.Berry** : **_Created Poll: “Who is pouring out all the milk?”_**

  * **_Kurt_**
  * **_Finn_**
  * **_Sam_**



**R.Berry** : Vote!

 **Q.Fabray** : And how is this going to decide who is wasting all of the milk?

 **S.Lopez** : I can’t believe I’m wasting my Saturday morning on this.

 **T.CohenC** : It’s raining so hard it’s not like we can go do anything. The roads are too icy.

 **N.Puckerman** : just vote dudes. I say whoever gets the most votes has to admit guilt.

 **S.Evans** : but I’m not guilty!

 **S.Lopez** : well then make whoever doesn’t win the poll feel guilty enough to admit their guilt.

 **R.Berry** : ^ Yes, if the person or persons who are actually guilty don’t get the most votes, they’ll feel guilty enough to confess.

________

_Kurt’s Phone:_

**Mercedes-Cedes <3**

**_To Mercedes_ **

So……..

I have been the one wasting the milk.

But not on purpose!

**_From Mercedes:_ **

Kurt! No! You’re supposed to be the good one of that home!

Ah well. What are best friends for? I’ll keep your secrets.

Wait…..What do you mean not on purpose?

**_To Mercedes:_ **

So you know how my Dad and Carole put security cameras in the entryway, stairways and kitchen because they need to know what exactly happened if I hurt myself sleepwalking?

Because last time I broke my nose trying to go the glass door? And I woke up in bed all bloody?

**_From Mercedes:_ **

Ah yes. The baby monitors?

**_To Mercedes:_ **

Stop calling them that!

Anyways…Blaine had an idea and well…..here:

_*video*_

_Security footage of the kitchen detailed at 3:00am. Kurt stumbles in, eyes open but looks dead asleep. He goes for the cabinets and pulls out metal cups, before setting them on the counter and going for the freezer. Kurt fills each glass with ice and then goes for the fridge, pulling out a lemon, half an onion and cherry tomatoes. He puts them haphazardly on the glasses filled with ice. He pulls out the unopened gallon of milk, pouring it in each of the cups, before mixing each glass with a knife. He then puts the almost empty gallon in the fridge, and then pours each glass of drink in the sink. He stumbles out of the kitchen, and the footage is cut off._

**_From Mercedes:_ **

I have no words.

This is amazing. Kurt, why?

**_To Mercedes:_ **

It’s not my fault! : (

I’ve been having a reoccurring dream about being a bartender.

**_From Mercedes:_ **

This is amazing.

I can’t believe I know two criminals!

**_To Mercedes:_ **

Who is the second?

Oh Wait

Puck.

**_From Mercedes:_ **

Puck.

**_T_ o _Mercedes_**

Yeah I got it right after I asked.

Anyways…. what should I do?

**_From Mercedes:_ **

Come clean?

Sam and Finn will understand that it’s a sleepwalking thing and not purposeful.

**_To Mercedes:_ **

Here’s the thing….they’ll want proof it’s sleepwalking

And I never want that video to see the life of day.

**_From Mercedes:_ **

Text them separately?

Neither of them would upload it I think

To the GC, I mean.

Plus, Kurt, you are terrible at trying to hide your guilt. Tina made puppy dogs eyes and teared up just a bit, and you told her not only the birthday gift you got her, but the one I got her too.

**_To Mercedes:_ **

You’re right : (

Blaine agrees.

I’ll text them in our house GC now.

**_From Mercedes:_ **

Before you do and I inevitably lose you for two hours trying to prevent them from watching the footage, how did you sneak Blaine in with the baby monitors ; )

**_To Mercedes:_ **

Oh. There’s blind spots everywhere by my side of the house outside. All he has to do is climb and the shed is right against the house. It’s easy.

Just in case you need to sneak in ; )

**_From Mercedes:_ **

I appreciate the offer <3

But no dodgy dodgy stuff will be happening at that house, not with me!

**_To Mercedes:_ **

Yes Ma’am I understand : )

Time to go confess

**_From Mercedes:_ **

Good luck!

_______________________________________________________________________

 **_Wild Wild West_ ** _(Sam’s Private Snapchat Stories)_

* _Video of Finn wrestling Kurt to the ground outside of the entryway into the kitchen, both of whom are trying to reach grab the camera set up in there. Finn has Kurt under his arms like a football; Kurt is trying to wrap his whole body, horizontally, around Finn’s waist like a belt. Sam can be heard wheeze laughing*_

_[Kurt] “Finn! You promised!”_

_[Finn] “I need to see this! This is amazing! Please-”_

_[Blaine] “Finn, put Kurt down.”_

_[Kurt] “Stop!”_

_*Sam, from behind the camera, starts narrating the events in a bad Australian accent.*_

_[Sam] “And you can see, the wild countertenor is attempting to stop the even more dangerous giant from reaching the mysterious device. The shorter male is using a common maneuver for his kind, referred to as ‘belt’. Unfortunately for this young male, the taller one is quite simply to large for it to be effective. Look now, as the taller one is able to hold the weight and reach the device at the same time.”_

_[Kurt] “I’m sorry! I just found out it was me like 15 minutes ago! Blaine-”_

_[Sam] “As you can see, the tallest and eldest male has gotten the camera the youngest male has been so desperately defending, while the young male’s mate just watches on.”_

_*Blaine comes into the camera’s view.*_

_[Blaine] “Come on Sam-”_

_*The camera turns back to Sam, who’s grinning wide. The fake accent disappears.*_

_[Sam] “I’m innocent!”_

** ******New Directions GC****** **

**A.Abrams:** omg

 **S.Lopez** : I can’t believe it!

 **B.Pierce** : wht? : (

 **S.Lopez:** Check Sam’s snapchat, Britt.

 **M.Jones** : *shaking my head gif* Poor Kurt.

 **T.CohenC** : he uses up all his braincells in the day they all go away at night.

 **R.Berry** : Poor thing. I’ll update the briancell chart.

 **M.Jones** : briancell

 **A.Abrams** : briancell

 **S.Lopez:** briancell

 **N.Puckerman** : briancell

 **R.Berry** : *eye roll emoji* oh shut up you guys knew what I meant.

 **B.Pierce** : I cnt beliv sam is austrian!

 **S.Lopez** : He’s not, Britt

 **Q.Fabray** : It’s Australian, Brittany.

 **B.Pierce** : I tht he ws american?’

 **M.Jones** : They’re talking about the fact Kurt and Finn were fighting over the security cameras, and Sam said he’s innocent.

 **M.Jones** : Kurt did it while sleepwalking.

 **M.Chang:** is that funnier or less funny than if he did it awake?

 **N.Puckerman** : funnier.

 **A.Abrams** : im jel of his dreams

 **N.Puckerman** : ive oly hd fun dreams whn hi. Kurt gets to have them sober.

 **Q.Fabray** : Poor thing.

 **F.Hudson:** poor thng? hes the reson were gonna hv 2 hv fridge locks

 **S.Evans** : IM INNOCENT!

 **Q.Fabray** : we know.

 **S.Evans** : I feel like I should go on victory tour.

 **S.Evans** : *insert star wars gif of characters dancing*

 **A.Abrams** : hell yeah

 **A.Abrams** : *insert different star wars dancing gif*

 **S.Lopez** : wow all my sympathy is gone

 **Q.Fabray:** I hope Sam keeps typing normally.

 **S.Evans** : anywys, 2 summ:

 **M.Jones** : Well there goes that hope.

 **S.Evans** : Kurt ws slpwlk, por out mlk.

 **B.Anderson** : Yep.

 **B.Anderson** : Guess why it’s not getting uploaded though : )

 **F.Hudson** : Kurt agre 2 dishes 4 wk

 **S.Lopez** : Dammit

 **A.Abrams** : we don’t get the vid?

 **K.Hummel** : No you don’t!

 **K.Hummel** : I have enough blackmail on both of them for just a week of dishes. > : )

 **S.Lopez:** wow. You really are a criminal Kurt.

 **B.Anderson:** I’m so proud ; )

 **S.Lopez:** How much do you charge?

 **N.Puckerman:** impressed ltl dude

 **A.Abrams** : kurt i’ll pay $50 for the footage

 **K.Hummel** : Oh there’s no way in hell **@A.Abrams**

 **M.Jones:** Watch your back Kurt ;)

 **K.Hummel:** Cedes no!

 **N.Puckerman** : oh shit

 **M.Chang** : Cedes you have it?

 **M.Jones** : Yes.

 **M.Jones** : but because im loyal it will go to my grave ; )

 **M.Jones** : just thought I’d have fun with Kurt

 **K.Hummel** : Real fun : /

 **M.Jones:** and torture everyone else

 **N.Puckerman** : man evry1 is evl 2day

 **F.Hudson:** im gng bk 2 bed al ths crime mks me tird

 **S.Evans:** same. Innocent sys gb!

 **S.Lopez** : same here.

 **Q.Fabray** : Bye!

 **R.Berry** : **@T.CohenC** **@M.Jones** Since y’all are so close want to have a rainy day and finish our Chem project?

 **T.CohenC:** Sure, why not **. @M.Jones** can I pick you up in 20?

 **M.Jones** : fine with me!

 **Q.Fabray:** Well this was fun. See you guys Monday.

 **M.Chang** : peace!

* * *

**_Sam’s Instagram_ **

**Sam.J.Evans** : *Image of Sam smiling in camera at mirror, in pajamas. He’s holding a glass of milk.*

[This is the face of an innocent man. I was accused of horrendous crimes, but I have been proven innocent. Sam Evans: 1. Milk Thieves: 0.]

 **QuarterbackHudson** : Wow I look just like that

 **CedesFire** : so cute : )

 **KurtHumble** : oh stop.

 **KurtHumble** : remember our deal, Evans.

 **KurtHumble:** I’ll be watching.

 **Sam.J.Evans** : 0__0


End file.
